Beggar’s 101

If you’re homeless or destitute here is a script that will NOT work on me when you see me on the street:

You: Sir! Are you familiar with this area?

Me: Yes. What do you need?

You: Sir I’m [insert your fake name here] from [insert your fake city here]. I just arrived in Augusta [random number] days ago [to work for | as a student at] [some organization]. I need some [advice | money | help].*

* you can elaborate on this by offering to show me your license. Really, I don’t care.

Me: Didn’t we talk about this last time?

You: No sir! I’ve never told anybody this!

Me: Really.

…

Note: It is VERY important that you DO NOT use two *different* stories on the two occassions I see you. You’re either in seminary or you’re becoming an officer in the army. It’s one or the other, not both.

Also note: When I put my hand in my coat pocket and say “This is my advice.”, it doesn’t NECESSARILY mean I have a gun. But you can high-tail it across the street anyway, not gonna hurt my feelings.

Oh, and just because you have a gas can (or need to buy one), it doesn’t mean you have a car. I know this and that is why you get nothing.

Just a few helpful hints for the amateur panhandler during this holiday season. If you’re serious about your work, you’ll start a blog and beg to the world.