Muffin Out Bowls Spare Master In Freak Accident

" I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my toe."

In a surprise upset, Pookie Badmuffin (pictured above) defeated all opposition, including "The Spare Master", Joe "Pro Shop" R. (below) in what scientists are calling the most absurd calamity of the 21st century. Despite a series of unfortunate home accidents leaving him toeless and punctured, Muffin pulled it together in the third game of the semis to top the boards at 215. This surpasses the previous record-breaking high score of 180 by the legendary hall of fame bowler, Outpostbabu, whose unique delivery and uncanny skill wowed audiences earlier in the season.


"The Spare Master" steps down after a crushing defeat

Pookie Badmuffin's victory, however, may be bittersweet. National Bowling League Authorities are investigating claims that Badmuffin may have used performance-enhancing drugs popularized by athletes in other sports, most notably cyclist Tyler Hamilton and former baseball player Jose Canseco. If the blood doping allegations are true, The Muffin could lose his title, which many speculate will happen next week anyway when Outpostbabu (below, center) comes out of retirement to "show these kids how to roll".


Legendary bowler Outpostbabu walks away from what might have been, almost certainly was, and probably will always be, a strike.


After the game, Pookie Badmuffin (far right) celebrates his victory at a local Waffle House as competitors look over the menu.


Strike! Rising star RunsOnSumatra (center left) displays his victory beau geste to impress onlooking ladies.